20 weeks

Woooah! We're half way there! Woooah! Living on a prayer!

Yes... your daddy and I sung that to each other this morning, before he left for work and as I was rolling out of bed. By the time you're reading this, I'm sure you'll be quite familiar with daddy's penchant for busting out in song in response to everything. And the fact that this habit has rubbed off on me, so I can't quite claim innocence here!

This week you're roughly the length of a banana, or about 10 inches from head to heel.

banana

20 weeks marks the midway point of the pregnancy. Granted, you could come a couple of weeks before or after the "standard" 40 weeks. Hopefully a little on the earlier side! But if you're stubborn and independent like your mama, I'm sure you'll opt to do things your own way, thankyouverymuch.

Today is your cousin Isaiah's 3rd birthday. Nana and Uncle Jeff are supposed to have him for the evening, and are going to have a little party for him at Nana's house. This will be the first time that your daddy and I will have met Isaiah. Unfortunately, Uncle Jeff has had some difficulties with Isaiah's mother over the last few years, and it has resulted in most of the family having never met the little guy, because even Uncle Jeff hasn't been able to see him very much. But, it seems like that situation has improved at least a little over the last few months, and I know Uncle Jeff and Nana have been able to have Isaiah for a day or evening a little more often now.

Sunday is also the big "gender reveal" party! I'm still trying to work out last minute details, while also trying not to totally overwhelm myself. I've been kind of tired and "blah" feeling the last couple of days. It's hard to feel creative and motivated when you're feeling like you'd rather just take a really long nap. I'm actually really glad we scheduled it for Sunday though (originally it was going to be tomorrow), because it gives me all day tomorrow to prep. In any case, I'm sure it will be exciting to share the news with everyone!

On being your mother...

Before I get to the main topic, I wanted to mention that today marks 15 years since your daddy and I began our friendship. While we had been talking a little on the computer for a couple of months at that point, February 22, 1997 was the day I decided to take a risk and call your daddy on the phone for the first time. I remember he was about to hop in the shower when I called, but instead we ended up talking for a few hours. That sparked many, many months of nightly telephone conversations before we finally met in person on August 8th (oh, how I had to pester your daddy for months about meeting me in person, because he was too shy/nervous). And it was only a few months after that that we began dating. All of those little moments that eventually led us to you.

Today was a particularly beautiful day, weather-wise, with the temperature in San Francisco reaching a high of about 70 degrees. It's such a welcome change from all of the super cold weather (although pretty dry) weather we've been getting the last few months. So, I decided to take a little walk and grab a sandwich, and enjoy it under the sun.

As I was sitting in Justin Herman Plaza, admiring the view of the Ferry Building across the way, my mind wandered to thoughts of what it might be like to be your mother. I've been thinking about this a lot, actually, over the last couple of days since we learned you are a girl.

Lots of things have come to mind, including my own relationships with my mother and father, and how I hope your relationships with me and your daddy might be the same and how they might be different and hopefully better. I think about all of the mother-daughter bonding experiences my mom and I shared when I was a little girl. For instance, my involvement in the Girl Scouts starting in the second grade. I fondly remember my mom attending camping weekends with me and the rest of the troop, and the year she and I teamed up to do a million booth sales to ultimately sell over 1000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I also think about how we shared a secret ritual of enjoying ice cream sundaes for dinner on one night, whenever my dad and brothers would go away camping for the weekend. Or the time she took me to the mall to buy an expensive (I think it was like $13 -- quite the generous splurge!) tube of lipstick from one of the cosmetic counters in Macy's just prior to my Senior Prom, and how special and beautiful I felt wearing that lipstick. Or the times she taught me to sew clothes for my Barbie dolls, and later outfits for myself. Or the time we spent redecorating the back bedroom of her house, with my Great Grandparent's antique furniture set, and painting the walls a pretty lavender color together. Those are the kinds of experiences I hope can be the foundation for many special experiences that you and I can share together one day.

I'm also consumed by my own hopes and dreams for the kind of woman you'll become. Much of this is influenced by my own journey of growth, both throughout my life and especially in the last few years. I've experienced a number of things in my 31 years (both way back in my childhood, and others more recently) that have left scars, and altered who I am. But, in the last few years I've embarked on a very powerful journey of confronting these things and learning and growing from them. I've always seen myself as a "survivor", and not one to succumb to being a victim. But as I've explored everything I have endured up until now, I've really learned that surviving isn't enough -- you also have to find a way to thrive despite it all. As much as I'd love to protect you from all the pain and bad fortune in the world, I know that I cannot. And one of my deepest hopes for you is that I'll be able to help you grow into a woman who is strong, confident, assertive, capable, compassionate, and intelligent, who will be able to handle the sorrows of the world with grace, dignity and wisdom. I hope that I can teach you some of the things I've had to learn the hard way, so that it frees you to learn even deeper and more valuable lessons than I've yet to experience.

In the end, I just want you to be better than I am or ever will be. In many ways, I feel like that's what my mom tried to do for me. And I see it as my responsibility and duty to do my best to provide the same for you.

It's a....

We had our anatomy scan this morning, where they check you out from head to toe to make sure everything is looking good. And as part of that, we got to find out whether you're a boy or girl!

Poor daddy is sick with a cold right now, and feeling pretty miserable (I really, really hope you inherit my immune system!), but was such a trooper driving us out to Fremont for the scan. Unfortunately, the way the way the computer screen was angled, I really couldn't see what was going on at all, but daddy got to relax in a chair right across from it and watch. So, I spent most of the time either watching your daddy's face (it was so sweet to see him smiling as he watched you on the monitor), staring at the ceiling, or trying to summon supernatural powers to see around corners. She did give me a little peek in the very beginning, and at the very end, as well as when she announced your sex.

About half way through the technician asked if we'd like to find out the sex then or later (we still had a ways to go with the rest of the exam). Both daddy and I didn't hesitate to say "now, please!" The technician turned the monitor so I could see it, and zoomed in on the "area of interest". Right away I saw three little lines, but waited for the technician to say anything first, in case I was looking at the wrong thing. As soon as she pointed at those three little lines, and asked if we saw them, I knew! When she announced that it was a girl, I turned to your daddy who was grinning from ear to ear, and tearing up (awwwwwww!) as we reached for each other's hands. Our little girl!

We haven't gotten the results back from the rest of the scan just yet, since we have to wait for our doctor to review them and call us. Hopefully we'll hear something tomorrow, and hopefully everything will be good.

We also let with a few new pictures of you in hand.

Perfect profile picture

Front shot of your face, with one of your arms at the top

Front shot of your face

Holding your hands and arms up to your face

19 Weeks

Week 19... I feel like if I blink I'll open my eyes and it'll actually be week 29 or something. The weeks are whizzing by. This week you're about the size of an heirloom tomato. Sometimes I look down at my belly, and wonder how something so big (and getting bigger every day) is fitting inside there...

heirloom tomatoes

And then I look at how big my belly is getting, and realize you're certainly not shy about making room! I'm definitely showing now -- no question about it. I can still hide it under a baggy sweatshirt, but in most clothes there's a nicely defined bump that says "baby" and not "just came back from an all-you-can-eat buffet". My work pants are hitting the point where I can't zip them up anymore (thank God for belly bands, which have allowed me to hold my unbuttoned/unzipped pants up so far). Even the one, loose pair of jeans I had that I was still able to button for quite awhile is at the point where it's uncomfortable to button (unless I plan to only stand, and not eat anything). Guess it's time to go buy some maternity pants... yikes!

You've been quite the wiggle worm lately. I notice it mostly when I'm sitting, like at my desk at work. Yesterday, for instance, I was snacking on some pineapple and strawberries in the afternoon, and you started kicking up a storm! I keep trying to feel my belly when you're flopping around a bunch, to see if I can feel anything externally. I can't wait until your daddy can start experiencing that too. He keeps joking that he can't wait until he sees an elbow stretch across my stomach!

We had another doctor's appointment last night, with Laura Ahn. It was short and sweet, and pretty routine. We heard your heartbeat again, although as soon as she found it you moved away, and she had to chase you down. We kept hearing these other *thuds* coming through, and she told us that was you kicking the doppler. I was laying on my back, but couldn't feel any of the kicks -- so you're probably doing lots more wiggling than I'm even aware of.

Let's hope you can hold still enough on Monday though... We have our anatomy scan scheduled for Monday morning, and with any luck we'll be able to find out if you're a boy or a girl that day! It'll be nice to be able to be able to call you a "he" or a "she" (instead of an "it"), and start the dirty work of planning your nursery, picking out your name, and all that other fun stuff. Then the following weekend we'll be hosting a party for our closest family and friends to announce your sex to them too. I've got a whole, fun little theme planned. Stay tuned for all the details!

On another note, I had to laugh at myself this morning, because clearly pregnancy is making me lose my mind. At one point -- either last night or this morning, although either way I know I was laying in bed -- I suddenly had about 2 seconds of panic where I thought I had forgotten to give my coworker, Liz, the salad I had picked up for her while I was out to lunch. Of course, as soon as the thought passed through my head, I realized how absurd it was, because Liz would have hunted me down had I not! And what a silly thing to randomly worry about anyway. Then, this morning, I was running a couple of minutes ahead of schedule (which has definitely not been the norm lately) and kept feeling like I must have forgotten something. As I was walking from my car into the BART station, I suddenly thought "oh no, did I forget my belly?!" To which I immediately shook my head at myself, and realized I had officially lost it. And since we're only halfway through, I shudder to think at what other kinds of irrational stupidity and craziness I'm in store for!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Your daddy is currently on his way home from Reno, along with Grandma Joan, Uncle Jason and Aunty Yen. They headed up there yesterday to attend the funeral for daddy's Great Aunt Dot, who passed away somewhat unexpectedly last week.

Mommy, Daddy, Grandma Joan, Grandpa Rick, Great Aunt Dot, Uncle Jason, Aunty Yen

Aunt Dot was such a sweet, wonderful woman. I first met her probably 10 years ago at the family reunion (for Grandma Joan's side of the family). Aunt Dot had this immediate warmth and friendliness to her, and when she talked to you, you really felt like she cared about what you were saying. She was someone who exuded spirit, and was a lot of fun to be around. And she struck me as being someone who was very strong, mentally and emotionally, which is a trait I admire greatly in other women. I'll definitely miss her presence at future family reunions and gatherings.

Your daddy and I don't tend to celebrate Valentine's Day. Instead we agree that it's much more important that we express our love and appreciation for each other throughout the year. Plus, for me, I'd much rather your daddy surprise me on some random day with a gesture of affection/romance than show up at home with a gift that was practically picked out for him by the store he bought it from. Valentine's Day just makes it too easy. Last year, for instance, your daddy really surprised me by sending me flowers to work on a random Thursday in April. Included with the flowers was a sweet note declaring it "Awesome Wife Day". Even better, the next day I received a yummy candy apple as a follow up to that! Way more meaningful than a heart shaped box of chocolates and a dozen roses on Valentine's Day. Every time your daddy does sweet, thoughtful little things like that, it totally melts my heart!

Okay... gotta run! Your daddy and the gang just got home, and I need to dash so I can greet him with a big hug and kiss!

18 weeks

18 weeks today! Where did the last week go? I guess time really does fly when you're having fun (or bogged down at work!)

Let's see... you're now roughly the size of a bell pepper, or maybe a sweet potato (which sounds super yum! especially with a little melted butter and some brown sugar). I saw a couple of other sources that mentioned that you're probably about 8-10 inches from head to toe! I busted out the ruler from my desk and... woah! No wonder I've got a good bump going now.

bell pepper

I've been spending a lot of time over the last couple of weeks thinking about the birth. As I'm sure you've figured out about my by now (when you're reading this someday in the future), your mom is kind of a nut when it comes to research. So, it won't surprise you to hear that I've been burying my nose in various books, and scouring the scientific and anecdotal data on the internet, and mulling over the pros and cons of everything in my head during every spare moment I can find to think about it. 

I'm rapidly finding myself committed to the idea of having a natural birth -- meaning medication and intervention free. Yes, that means no pain killers like an epidural, or labor inducers like Pitocin, or procedures like an episiotomy to "prevent tearing". And, of course, I fervently hope to avoid a c-section unless absolutely medically necessary. My research has brought me to the understanding that these things are rarely medically necessary, are often done more for "convenience" (whether that be the convenience of the doctor, or of the mother), and can have some very serious side effects and complications. Ultimately, I want the safest birth possible for both you and me, and I feel confident that (in the absence of any serious complications that arise) a natural birth is the way to go.

Certainly, that means having to endure the pain of childbirth without drugs to take that away. But I feel pretty okay about that. I trust that my body was designed to do this. I also trust that much of the experience of pain is mental -- meaning that your mental state and emotions, like fear and anxiety, can have a dramatic impact on your experience of pain, making it even worse. I'm not a stranger to this concept in my everyday life. When I get sick, I have the tendency to not give in to the defeat of it. I take care of it as I need to, but otherwise keep going about my life. I find that if I mope about it, and feel sorry for myself, it makes it last longer and feel worse. In one of the books I'm reading, it even talked about how laughter can help with the pain during childbirth. It releases endorphins and other powerful chemicals that can act as natural anesthesia. I found that interesting, because about a year-and-a-half ago my big toenail was torn off (if you ever hear your daddy scolding me about doing work on the house without shoes on, this is why!) A couple of minutes later I was standing in the kitchen while your daddy ran around trying to get his first aid kit and kind of panicking. It was hurting like hell, and I was crying. Suddenly, I found myself involuntarily laughing! I wasn't laughing at anything in particular, and there wasn't a whole lot I was finding funny about the situation at the time. But I do remember that laughing made me feel better for some reason, so I just went with it, laughing and crying at the same time. 

Another thing that's convincing me that this is something that's completely doable for me is my experience training for and running in the Nike Women's Half Marathon last year (just a few days before we conceived you!). I have NEVER been a runner. I had never even had an interest in running. And I certainly don't have the physique for it. But, for some crazy reason, about a year or so ago I got it in my head that I needed to run an endurance event, like a half marathon. So, I looked into signing up with a group like Team In Training, which trains you how to do endurance events like marathons, triathalons, century cycling rides, etc. I started in May of 2011, able to only run about 1/3 of a mile before becoming embarrassingly out of breath and needing to stop. I was incredibly scared and nervous that I'd be able to train to run 13.1 miles in only about 4.5 months. Especially in a race with some big hills! But, after 4.5 months of training and preparation -- both physically and mentally -- I not only did it, I enjoyed it! The race was no doubt tough, and there were moments I really had to push myself and focus to get through it, and by the end I was completely exhausted. But, I was also proud, and grateful, and overcome with emotion and joy. I remember rounding that bend and seeing the finish line, and tears began streaming down my face as I was flooded with the feeling that I did it! Every agonizing moment of training (including the time I broke down emotionally during one of the grueling hills sessions, and the various injuries I kept suffering in the beginning of the season), every Saturday morning for 4+ months of waking up at 5 am to head out for a long run, every injury I suffered through especially in those first weeks as my body protested what I was putting it through -- it was all worth it.

In a way, I feel like having a natural childbirth is its own endurance event, and what a perfect bookend to my pregnancy with you, considering my completion of the half marathon just a few days before we conceived you. 

But, there are some obstacles. I'm not so sure our doctor is going to be very "natural birth friendly" based on a conversation I had with her on our last visit. But, I was also a little more wishy-washy about it at the time (because I hadn't started really digging into the research, and was only entertaining the idea at the time). Giving birth in a hospital also tends to not be very natural birth friendly, but giving birth at home or in a birthing center probably isn't a realistic option for us at this time. So, I have to work with what I've got. It's funny though that I'm finding myself more fearful of resistance and hostility from my doctor and the hospital than I am about birthing you without any interventions. Clearly, I need to work on that -- either processing through that fear, or doing what I can to make the circumstances as right as I can for the kind of birth experience I'm hoping for. There's much work to be done with only 5 months left!

17 weeks

Today we're at 17 weeks, and fast approaching the half-way point! You're now about the size of an onion, and getting bigger every day. You should also be starting to accumulate body fat now, so you'll have those adorable chubby little baby legs, and sweet, pinchable little baby cheeks.

onion

Your daddy has been away all week for training, and comes home tonight. I definitely miss him (and yesterday I was feeling kind of needy for him), so I'm really looking forward to seeing him in a few hours.

Since Saturday, I think I've felt you kick maybe once or twice more. Earlier this week I felt a sensation like a bubble bursting in my lower abdomen, which I hear is another common baby movement feeling. And I think I felt you move on Sunday night too, shortly after I dropped your daddy off at the airport. It's such a fun thing to experience!