Dreams

I've never been a stranger to dreaming and remembering my dreams. My dreams tend to be very vivid and detailed, and daddy has often stared at me quizzically as I recount a dream in minute detail. He says he dreams less frequently (or at least doesn't seem to recall them like I do).

So it's not entirely surprising that one of the side effects of the pregnancy has been an increase in dreams. From my reading, I've learned this is pretty common amongst pregnant women. I've also learned that an increase in nightmares is also normal, and may be the brain's way of processing information, anxieties, fears, and deeper issues in preparation for childbirth and motherhood. One study I read about even found that pregnant women who experienced nightmares had shorter labors, by an average of an hour, and less post-partum depression.

I've had quite a few nightmares in the last few months. Some about miscarrying (mostly in the weeks after learning of the pregnancy, and before our first doctor's visit). Some about negative people from my past making an unwelcome and upsetting visit back into my present. Some about betrayal and lies from people I care about. And some about being physically attacked (or seeing loved ones be attacked). In most of my nightmares, I've noticed that I tend to fight back or stick up for myself, or otherwise try to avoid just succumbing to it. Perhaps that's representative of my mind's unconscious attempts at fighting off the fears and anxieties before your birth. I think it's certainly representative of how I've come to see myself over the years, through the struggles I've been through -- as a survivor and a fighter who refuses to be a passive participant in the outcome of my life.

Last night I had yet another bad dream. Except this one seems to have incorporated common pregnancy-related elements. For instance, water is one that tends to represent amniotic fluid, caves are symbolic of the womb, and bridges are a symbol of transition. So this one has me scratching my head a bit, wondering what more it means.

I don't recall much from the beginning of the dream, except that I had been kidnapped by two men. The two men began driving me around, and asked me to choose a zip code, and I picked one that ended in the number 10. Shortly thereafter they drove me over the Bay Bridge, discussing amongst themselves how they thought it was "odd" that I chose this particular number. As they said it, I saw the number 10 floating slowly down, through the air, before sinking deep into the water. (It'll be interesting to see if the number 10 winds up having some real-life significance at some point). Next thing I know I'm in a large, water-filled cave, and the two men are swimming, with me in their arms. At one point, I began fighting them, striking one of them in the head with a mason jar (don't know where I got it from though!) Unfortunately, I think it had little effect other than to make them mad, and soon we had made it to a very small strip of land inside the cave, where I was bound and placed into a large burlap bag. They intended to kill me, but were prolonging the experience. One of the men continued to hold me, inside the bag, and started asking me questions like "what would you like to say to the person you love the most". I had stopped struggling at this point, because I suddenly had this vision or sense that I was going to survive this. I saw myself, in the near future, breaking water outside the cave, and taking in a big gulp of air -- safe from harm. For the moment, I was still in danger -- trapped and bound, and unable to move or do much of anything. So I relaxed and began to zone out as the questions came at me, trying to trust that my vision would be right. And then I woke up.

Perhaps it's symbolic of the birth process somehow. Perhaps I was representing you -- the tiny fetus inside my cavernous, water-filled womb, and being placed in the bag symbolized your own helplessness and your inability to effectively see or manipulate your environment while in my belly. Perhaps me seeing my future self break through the water and gasp for air was symbolic of your birth and first breath of life. Perhaps the bridge was symbolic of my transition from being just me to being a mother. Who, or what, the men represent, I'm not sure... Maybe my fears and anxieties of becoming a mother (because we all have them), and my struggling against them was me struggling to overcome my fears and anxieties. Or maybe they represented me feeling like a force beyond my control has taken control of me and is taking me into motherhood. That's not to say that I have any doubts about becoming a mother -- I've wanted this for a long time -- but it's still somewhat scary and new, and will undoubtedly be life changing. It might make sense given that I've often felt like my body is no longer under my control since becoming pregnant. And in the end, me just giving in to my faith that I will survive, is my mind's way of telling me that there's no need to fight it, because it will all turn out well in the end.